Fingers Crossed!

Well, I’ve put a deposit down to lease a townhouse in Colorado! I am so excited, I can barely contain myself. I hope my application is approved; it should be, but there are no guarantees. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

This was a little exercise in confronting something I recently read in Oprah magazine that was talking about mindset:
“The primary fact of life for just-in-case processes is: "Everything good is scarce!" By contrast, just-in-time systems rely on the assumption "Everything good is readily available."”

I was seriously not wanting to incur any additional costs with this move, and yet I really want to live in a nice place. Part of my self that said “Be Careful! Save Money!” was at war with the part that said “Go after what you really want! You deserve it!” This kind of internal argument is not new for me, but I haven’t tackled anything big in a while. This is where I’m going to be living. This is big.

What surprised me while I was observing this inner conflict is that I saw how large a part of the dilemma was based on fear:
Fear that the place I want won’t be available when I need it (the scarcity issue).
Fear that I won’t be able to afford it (my money will run out before I get back into a good job).
Fear that I might be repeating old mistakes (being impulsive rather than smart).

And in a dark little corner of my mind, the shadowy thought that I might be reaching too far – too far beyond my “place.” This townhouse has amenities I haven’t had before. Do I deserve to live like that?

Just knowing that this dark little piece of the past is still lurking in my subconscious was enough to push me toward a decision. Out of all of the places that I’ve looked at – and I think I started looking last October – this one is the one that I really want. So I decided to pursue that which I really want, instead of ‘settling before I’ve even started.”

I’m holding my breath.