Tuesday, June 16, 2009

This, too, is part of the process

A week and a half to go at work, and I can NOT climb out of this pit of despair! god, what a drama queen I sound like – but between the lack of sleep, the extra add-ons they keep giving me at work, the really terrible class I’m taking, and my special little girl morphing into Devil Child, I’m done. Put a fork in me.

I’ve always had vivid, detailed, intense dreams. Thank you, fucked up childhood! When stressed, my dreams are like ghosts rising out of their graves. All of the characters from my past come pay me a visit. I really could do without some of them. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night and got out of bed and walked around a little, restless. The moon is at half full right now and cast light through the windows. I was in one of those places where I really wanted to have a good cry, but I held back because:
I’m not a pretty crier. I get all puffy and blotchy.
It freaks out M and that isn’t fair to her
Then I’d really not get any sleep
Living with my parents. Weird enough already, thanks.

Yes, I KNOW it is almost over. I KNOW this isn’t that big of a deal. But y’know what? Sometimes I feel like I’ve been enduring things my whole life. I know that what I need is to get away from this house, this town, and this job, and let the dust settle, regroup, and spend some time not crazed with whatIhavetodonext, I know that.
But if I have another night like last night, it’s really going to suck.

M was too little to remember Colorado, and only knows what she’s been told. She knows she was born there, she has been there for visits, but – and this is completely normal – she is vacillating between being excited about the move and being freaked out about it. One of the labs I used to have would know immediately if I were going anywhere for any length of time. She was psychic that way (the other one was completely oblivious. It was hilarious) This dog would find the first opportunity to bolt out the front door and go sit in the car. It didn’t matter if I was an hour from leaving, she’d sit in the car, so clearly saying “look, you are taking me with you, so don’t even try to talk me out of it.” M is doing a lot of that too, coupled with her innate aversion to waking up in the morning, and her discomfort with the disruption of her routine to see boxes piling up in our room. She’s been throwing temper tantrums almost daily. She’s not that kid, so it is rough. I get it, I really do, so I try to be calm, understanding, and underreact. But damn, Mommy’s tired and out of sorts, too, and I really, really don’t like being yelled at.

I want to stamp my foot and plop myself down on the floor in a huff too, and say “I don’t WANT to! This is STUPID!” And cross my arms across my chest and make my best mad face.

I won’t do it, but I’m doing it in my head.

12 comments:

  1. Aww, girl, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I'd give you a big hug if I were there. Since I'm not, I will just say that this too shall pass, and if you feel like crying go ahead and cry! Who cares if you get puffy & blotchy? I do, too, but that doesn't stop me from lettin' rip from time to time!

    You're right, it's normal for the kid to act out when things are transitioning like they are now, and it's also normal for you to feel stressed out by it. Oh, and my dog is also psychic like that... not that it's helpful in any way! :)

    Hang in there.

    oxoxo

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  2. I remember my move from Texas to Boston. I only knew one person there, and not very well. It was a bit scary, but it worked out in the end.

    Good luck to you...

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  3. Bev: Thank goodness the time is fast approaching! Lack of privacy - for crying, among other things - is really OLD.

    Frank: Thanks. I want to ask you soon about tips on buying a bicycle. Would you be able to point me in the right direction?

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  4. Ugh, I'd wager that I'm an uglier crier than you. I can't even leave the house the day after a good sobbing.

    Hang in there! I'm sure things are going to be great! And just keep throwing those tantrums in your head!

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  5. Samsmama: It IS going to be great. I've just got to get there. Sleep would really help.
    I'm betting if you saw me after a good cry, you'd say "oh... I see what you mean." ;)

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  6. I dreamed about M. last night, only she was somehow a boy in the dream, not a girl. But it was M. My heart was deeply in love with that child in the dream. "He" had wandered away from Dino and me in a crowd and I was terror struck.

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  7. Stephen: You have become such an important person to us. I will miss having you close at hand!

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  8. Ah, but your adventure is close to hand. Just hang on a little longer! I'm so excited for you to be having this change in your life just as I'm having one in mine. What is it about us 47 year olds? Are we finally old enough to know what we want and know that we can go after it? I'm raising my glass to you girl!

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  9. I think you should stamp your feet and throw a fit. Might make M feel better to know that she's not the only one who's scared.

    Change is hard and I hate it, so I feel for you. Things always work out, but it's still hard. Keep your chin up. It won't last.

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  10. SF: thanks; I appreciate the support!

    Cary: thanks; I appreciate the support! ;)

    After this week is over, the rest will be cake. If I could just get some sleep, I know I'd be doing so much better.

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  11. Get yo'self some Ambien, girl.

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  12. I may be able to point you in the right direction, MtnMama. Send me an e-mail, telling me what you're looking for.

    It looks like I'll be flying into Denver Aug. 1 for a bike ride that week. We're gonna ride Mt. Evans and some other stuff. You gonna be around there, then?

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