Friday, May 22, 2009

The third time isn’t always the Charm

I lived with but did not marry the man who is my baby’s father. I had a house, and he had a crappy apartment, and we both were struggling with financial issues, so I thought it would help us both out to live together. I made a BIG mistake, and it was my idea. So there. If I’d been thinking clearly and not rushed it, we’d have broken up long before I got pregnant, though, and since my daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me, I try to be philosophical about it. Still…

I was working in IT at the time, and his most recent job had been as a system administrator for a company that had left the area, so he was unemployed when I met him. The ‘tech bubble” had just burst and a lot of my friends were in the same boat, so that particular red flag didn’t get the attention it should have. He had a way of not revealing things until much later.

The thing that was so frustrating is that I would work, come home, and find that he’d not really done anything all day. He had criticized me for being what he called “materialistic” because I had a house and a tv and a computer, but he was more than happy to watch my tv and sit on my computer for hours. Not looking for a job – at all, as it turned out – just reading conservative Republican websites, obscure articles about dead people (he liked to read obituaries) and studying astronomy. He didn’t clean or fix dinner or do anything to make an attempt.

At first I believed that he was trying to find a job and was depressed because he was not finding one. So I tried to be supportive, and frankly, I was going through stuff at work and wasn’t focused too much on what he was doing. It was annoying to come home and find things worse than when I’d left, but I tried to be patient.

After a few months of this I told him he needed to make more of an effort. I was starting to suspect the job hunt was non-existent and I was disturbed by some of the statements he was making.

A had a good friend that would often come over and watch movies. One night we all watched a historical drama about England that centered on the conflict between the English aristocracy and the impoverished Irish. After the movie ended, he said he didn’t believe the Irish had ever been treated badly by the English. I couldn’t have been more shocked if he’d said the Holocaust never happened. He was serious. I was so glad that she was there as a witness, in a way. He’s a history major. He said it was all made up. . And he’s part Irish!

I think that is when the worm turned for me.

-- to be continued


  1. Kelly? Is that you?

    Oh. Sorry. You reminded me of my sweet BFF. Poor thing went through SEVERAL similar relationships/marriages. She is a happy single mom and deadbeat dad hit the road and never visits or calls. 2 years gone. Good riddance.

    I am glad you are not one to accept second or fifth best.

  2. Thanks; No, I'm not, but they find me, somehow, and then I have to go through the process of sorting them.


  3. why is it that soooo very many things are not obvious until that turning point? Once there, you can look back and see it all so clearly.
    I have similar stories...and every one ended with me thinking, why was I so blind to it all?
    Maybe b/c I'm actually blind.

    p.s. I'm not really blind :)