Sunday, May 24, 2009

Not the Charm - continued

I think that part of the problem is that I really do want people to be the person they profess to be. I give them the benefit of the doubt, even while my inner voice is shouting “No!”
Because some of the significant relationships in my life, especially the early, formative ones, were with people who weren’t exactly stable, or trustworthy, or dependable, I have both a great need for those qualities in others and an unhealthy familiarity with the lack of them.
So when I start to find out that someone is lying to me, say, part of me wants very much to not believe it, instead of just accepting what is and dealing with it right away. Makes for a bit of a muddle for a while, I suppose.

By the time it was clear to me that not only was the situation worse than I’d thought, but also not likely to change, I was in despair. It had been a long time since I’d taken such a leap, and I felt very tragic and ill-fated about the whole thing. I was no longer young, I was going to have to make a big decision about my house, and now the man I lived with was turning out to be a big liability. It seemed like everything I’d worked so hard and so long for was disintegrating in my hands.

I remember the day I went walking in the watershed with my best friend, telling her how I’d come to realize that I’d have to end it. Summer had come after a long winter of struggle, and instead of the lightness that summer always brings, I felt resigned. I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, despite everything, and all that remained was the details. We talked about options and possibilities for the future, but it was clear that things were going to change, and change in a big way, and I knew it was up to me to take action.

Soon after that I discovered I was pregnant.

-- to be continued

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