Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The ticking of the clock

I'm having a hell of a time focusing on anything lately. All I've wanted to do is walk outdoors, so naturally, the weather has been horrible. I can handle cold, but wet, grey, and foggy/damp/drizzly for days and weeks on end makes me feel depressed. The weather here is on the top ten list of reasons why I MUST move, no matter how insane my timing or plans are. Living with my parents is #1, of course. GOD, I was delusional to think I'd be able to deal with it. It was still the best choice for M, but it has shaved years off my life just tolerating all the toxic dysfunction. So, imagine my joy to have M telling me that she doesn't want to move because she wants to live with her grandparents forever! I tell her calmly that it isn't an option; that she has to live with me and that I AM moving, but she remains unimpressed.
Reason #2 is this area. Ugh. A poorly planned one-horse town that mishandled its sudden growth a few years back and is now just a cluster-fuck (transportationwise) and deeply conservative, provincial, and distrustful of progress. BIG McCain/Palin supporters. BIG stupid trucks and SUVs, gun-lovin', church-goin'... Crazy hot in the summer (110+ not unheard of) and grey and damp in the winter. Rain and fog, no snow. The only time the sun shines it is so hot out everyone runs inside to the air conditioning. No one walks.  Soooo funny that this is California - the place the rest of the country thinks is all sunshine, tan, blonde, bean-sprout-eating, surfing actors. Ha.
Reason #3 is this soul crushing job. The management is so hideously bad, the morale is so low, and the work is so poorly executed that it is nearly impossible to stay anything close to positive, motivated, or engaged. The few really great people here are overworked and abused to a ridiculous level, there are a LOT of incompetent slackers, and everyone else acts like a quiet little sheep, keeping their eyes down, their mouths shut, and their focus on simply getting by. It is tragic.
Yes... I could have done something else. I started here as a temp. It was supposed to be a 3 month gig (ala Gulligan's Island, anyone?) and I liked what they had me doing. I was paid a fair amount, and I enjoyed the work. Then they asked me to fill a position that I'd never done before, as a contractor, for more money. Seemed like a better idea than trying to find something else. I was going to school full time (mostly online) and had a just over year-old baby. Less hassle the better, right? But then the stuff started going south. They made me switch agencies - from a really good one that has a national reputation, to a seedy weird one with a stupid name and no local presence. They even had a bad website (red flag for a tech company). Pretty soon they had me working on the Project From Hell, that took things to an all new low, and then I had to hire on or be let go. Of course this happened while I was in the midst of classes and such, so I kept "rolling with it," thinking it would sort itself out. Then the State budget ran aground, the company got bought, the work started to slack off, and here we are.
I've got six months left. It would be stupid to leave now. I have to just tough it out.

1 comment:

  1. Your town sounds awful, just like my hometown where I no longer (thank God) live. Get out of there immediately. It sounds so unhealthy. Go to the sprout eating parts of California. Those parts are really nice. I love sprout-eating California like outside of San Francisco.