Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Escape

I am nearly finished with my classes (after this one I have only 3 left!) and then I'll have my BA in English. That is incredible, to me. When it became clear, in the spring of 2005, that I'd have to leave, I thought long and hard about my options. The most important consideration, as far as I was concerned, was that I had a year old baby and whatever I chose had to be in her best interest. All of my other options sounded better for ME, but not for her. So, I packed up most of my feelings along with what remained of my stuff after I gave away or sold most of it, and moved a thousand miles. I had two black labs and a baby. I moved in with my parents.

I'd watched my parents with my nephew when he was little, and I knew that as long as she was little, that they would dote on her. They had a house with a large room and a bathroom available, and a fenced yard. They were willing to have us. That was enough. It would be safe*, it allow me to keep a consistent pattern with my child, my dogs would be okay, and I'd be able to work on what I needed to work on. (*for her)

We arrived in July of 2005. I found a good daycare for M, a job for myself, and enrolled in classes, determined to finally get my Bachelor's degree. I was right; M has been doing great. I've managed to pay off my car and my student loans and will be able to move back without any financial debt hanging over my head. I've been able to save some money.

The toll on me, living here with my parents (and others - more later) has been hard. I knew it would be, I thought I'd be able to deal with it. I've been incredibly busy, but I had to stay focused and keep at it. I've also been incredibly lucky in that I've made some really good friends that have helped in a big way to preserve my sanity. More than anything, watching my daughter thrive, I know that I made a good choice.

But oh, do I long to escape. I've been so depressed, and lonely, and sad. All of the things I do to make myself feel good are out of reach. I have felt for a long time that tears are just under the surface, and that I have grief that is waiting for its chance to be processed.

But, as my dear friend S reminds me, I have a plan. My last class will be finished at the end of June. I have saved money, I know where I'm going, and I have resources. My beloved dogs are both gone now, but that does make the move simpler. And M isn't a baby any more, and is much easier to take care of.

I can do this.

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