Well, that was fun

The month isn’t over quite yet, but it seems as if the fun is. I’d say I’ve been rejected, but I have a feeling that I don’t have a whole lot to do with it. The man I was seeing had a lot going for him, but the one thing I didn’t count on was the turmoil going on in his own mind. He’s been divorced for two years now, and I hoped that meant he was open to new things, but it seems that he is not. At least that is his story: he is still hung up on his ex wife. I do know from mutual friends that she has led him to believe on more than one occasion that they might get back together. With the holidays coming up, I suspect that issue might rear its ugly head again, actually. He’s got two young kids and he’s a devoted dad.

Whatever the truth may be, I was the recipient of what I call a Pre-emptive Dumping. When someone says they are afraid you are going to get hurt, so they’re going to end it now rather than later. Good times.

Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. To paraphrase Fleetwood Mac, I know how to pick up the pieces and go home.
What I wasn’t ready for was the big birthday event that we were both committed to attending right after that. The Jungle Quest birthday party was something that our kids were all excited about and had been talking about, and there was no graceful way to not go. I can’t think of a whole lot of other things I hate more than having to spend a day in close proximity to someone who has just dumped me. But M was really looking forward to the party, and so I made sure I looked really good, put on my game face, and we went to the party.
It was a great time for the kids. The main activity was zip lines: the kids were fitted in harnesses, then they climbed stairs up to high platforms, attached their carabiners to the zip line, and then jumped off into space. Some of the kids were clipping on in twos, and M and his daughter went together, clinging to each other like little monkeys. I was proud of M for being so brave and trying everything. She had so much fun. I enjoyed watching her and wished I could have done it, too. I was able to suck it up and smile, laugh, and talk to all the other parents and not let on that I wished I was back home under the down comforter.

Being a rip-the-bandaid kind of girl, I guess it’s just as well that I had to make that appearance right away. We do have several friends in common and our kids love to play together, and in the long run, he’s just the guy who broke my long dry spell.

State of the Union Address

Wow – mention my job search, ur, um, sex life and I get more comments than ever! Sort of like in real life. I’m gratified that you are all so happy that I’m satisfied (ahem) but I thought I’d throw in a teensy bit of clarification.

As a single mom, I am now out in territory that can be pretty tricky. I have a fairly huge amount of concern about how what I do affects my daughter. As I’ve said before, I’ve learned primarily from watching others make mistakes, and then trying hard not to do the same. One kind of behavior that I’ve witnessed over the years is women who parade a stream of men through their lives, introducing each one as their boyfriend, and having their kid(s) meet and get used to each one, only to have that relationship end and the next one begin. It leaves the kids with a lot of confusion and abandonment issues. It can leave kids feeling like no one is worth getting attached to and there is no point in feeling invested in a relationship.
Since M’s dad is essentially out of the picture, and certainly out of the state, I don’t have any child-free nights to call my own. I traded sanity for a convenient babysitter, and don’t have any family nearby that I would leave my daughter with. We haven’t been here long enough for me to have established a babysitter in the neighborhood.
What’s a single mom to do? In my case, it means having “company” only after M is asleep in bed, and not having anyone be here when she wakes up. That is hard to do and not have it be a rather one-dimensional relationship, to say the least. Not many decent guys are willing to go along with that for very long. I got really lucky; I experienced the perfect storm of knowing someone that I am already friends with, that has his own kids that are the same age, and who likes me enough to be a fun, genuine person in the little time we have.

My daughter knows this guy, and plays with his kids when we all get together with our other friends, but she doesn’t have a clue that he and I have been seeing each other. To her, this guy is just one of the other Dads at the Bronco games. I like it that way.

I don’t have any idea whether this delightful interlude will go on for a while. I hope so, but I am realistic. My imagination might be all over the place, but my feet are on the ground. If this ends tomorrow, I will miss him, but life as we know it here at Casa Mountain Home will go on as usual.
It’s the way it is.

The week ahead

This is going to be a challenging week. Tomorrow, I have my first Parent-Teacher conference with my daughter’s Kindergarten teacher. I did them at my daughter’s preschool, but now she has homework! And for some reason my kid is totally spazzing out about an issue that I never would have imagined would be a big deal to her: she doesn’t want to call out her name in response to roll call. She says she’s afraid people will laugh at her. This is weird, because she is a pretty outgoing and socially confident little girl. Sometimes her willingness and enthusiasm to approach strangers – like other little kids at the playplace at McDonalds – blows me away. So this sudden eruption of pseudo-shyness is aggravating. Especially because it’s becoming an issue and they’ve had to talk to me about it. I’ve talked to M and so far she is not budging. I’m at a loss.

Also, a position has opened up at the company I worked for when I used to live here. It is a spot that I had always thought I could do well, and I am going to apply for it tomorrow. They were closed today for Columbus Day. I hate it when I really want something, because I tend to obsess and worry and then feel really bad if it doesn’t pan out.

I have a job fair to attend on Friday, in Downtown Denver. I hope the weather cooperates. This will be a new experience for me. I hope my good pants fit. I haven’t tried on my business clothes for a while. Yeah, that’s what I think about. That, and the parking.

Thank goodness I’ve had a little excitement in my life for the past couple weeks! There is really not a lot to compare to the boost to one’s confidence that seeing someone new gives to your outlook, is there? I’ve been noticing a certain spring in my step (ahem) that definitely has been missing for QUITE a while! Having worked among mostly guys, and rather “unpolished” ones at that, for a long time, I’ve had many occasions to hear the trite opinion that what someone really needs is a good and thorough fucking. I was always the one to roll my eyes and respond with varying degrees of distain. That kind of crass remark seems so simplistic and sexist. But, of late, I gotta say... I see some truth to it. *grin*

I think it is doing marvelous things for my skin...

Out on the end of the branch, swaying

I’m not one of the cool kids. At best, I have cool friends. I lack the emotional equilibrium, I think. I over think a lot of things. When I seek counsel from my friends, it is usually because I want to “check” my perceptions.


While I am fine with being thought of as goofy and funny, I have a dread of being thought of as laughable. I don’t want to be the middle aged woman shopping in the Junior department.

I want my friends to respect me. I want to be a smart, funny, kind person. I don’t want to be a joke. But I guess I am more willing to risk it than I thought, because I have perhaps started something with a man that is quite a bit younger than I am.

It has not only “been awhile,” but my goals and priorities have radically changed since the last time I was dating. My ideas about what kind of man I am suited for has undergone a major transformation, for one thing. I am far more likely to spend time with other “smart, funny, kind persons” than I was in the past. You know what is different? The “kind” part. Maybe before, I didn’t think I deserved that? Maybe I needed to do more work on being kind to myself?

Aside from things I can’t change, like the fact that I respond to certain physical characteristics, I am pleased to find myself “choosing” someone whom I respect a great deal.

But it is too soon to know whether this is the beginning of something or just an interesting stop on the way. I’m somewhat uncomfortable right now, and writing helps me settle myself.

I have also begun job hunting. (Because I like my anxiety to be full throttle, I guess) I have already received a call from a recruiter, and that made me feel good.

Yikes.

From the Shadows

I was disenchanted with the whole dating thing. As I got older it seemed more and more pointless. I got to a certain age when the men I was meeting were pretty much falling into two groups: guys who had never been in a long term relationship, and had no idea what to do with one, and guys that had never been out of one for very long, and were trying like mad to just fill a placeholder, more scared of being alone than anything. I just wanted someone who would consider me a gift – not a puppet, not a doctor, not a mother, not a savior, not a bank, not a doll. I had great men friends, and yet I was going to social things by myself.

By pure chance, I met a man I had no business being interested in, and he had no business being interested in me. At first, I was just goofing around, being myself, just concerned my own problems and life. We became friends, as unlikely as it seemed on the surface. We discovered that underneath the veneer of different backgrounds and different life experiences, we were pretty similar people, and we came to trust each other. One day, we became lovers. I knew our relationship was doomed from the start, and we broke it off several times, but he’d let months go by and then I’d hear from him again. The friends of mine that knew about him didn’t understand why I cared.

The lure was that he understood me so well. He didn’t think I was too smart for him, or too independent. He wasn’t threatened by me. He didn’t want me to be softer, or weaker, or dumber. He didn’t have anything to prove to me, and didn’t need me to do anything but let him be himself. Aside from everything else, that was what kept us drawn to each other like magnets for a long time, and through a lot of stuff in both our lives. We had some arguments, even some memorable ones. But that was part of the attraction, too; he would argue with me, rather than just clam up, slink away, agree just to shut me up, or lie to me.

When I knew him, I still desperately wanted a child of my own, and I couldn’t have one with him. That, in the end, put the nail in it. There’s been a lot of water under the bridge since then.

But I still miss his company. Not the heartache, certainly. Not the rock in the pit of my stomach, knowing he would never fit into my life and I’d never fit into his. But the time I spent talking to him, feeling his acceptance, his encouragement, and his approval of me, was something I have not felt since.

On nights like this, I doubt I’ll ever know that again. I don’t think so. My peak experiences seem to be once in a lifetime kind of things. Something to think about on dark, lonely nights, remembering.

I’m not yet old enough to be satisfied with only memories. I haven’t had the time or the inclination to probe into the shadows of my mind for quite a while. Tonight I heard his voice in the dialogue of a movie actor, by chance using a few phrases that had been his, in his accent. And then the movie was over, and I sat in the dark and felt it wash over me.