Out on the end of the branch, swaying

I’m not one of the cool kids. At best, I have cool friends. I lack the emotional equilibrium, I think. I over think a lot of things. When I seek counsel from my friends, it is usually because I want to “check” my perceptions.


While I am fine with being thought of as goofy and funny, I have a dread of being thought of as laughable. I don’t want to be the middle aged woman shopping in the Junior department.

I want my friends to respect me. I want to be a smart, funny, kind person. I don’t want to be a joke. But I guess I am more willing to risk it than I thought, because I have perhaps started something with a man that is quite a bit younger than I am.

It has not only “been awhile,” but my goals and priorities have radically changed since the last time I was dating. My ideas about what kind of man I am suited for has undergone a major transformation, for one thing. I am far more likely to spend time with other “smart, funny, kind persons” than I was in the past. You know what is different? The “kind” part. Maybe before, I didn’t think I deserved that? Maybe I needed to do more work on being kind to myself?

Aside from things I can’t change, like the fact that I respond to certain physical characteristics, I am pleased to find myself “choosing” someone whom I respect a great deal.

But it is too soon to know whether this is the beginning of something or just an interesting stop on the way. I’m somewhat uncomfortable right now, and writing helps me settle myself.

I have also begun job hunting. (Because I like my anxiety to be full throttle, I guess) I have already received a call from a recruiter, and that made me feel good.

Yikes.