I wrote this a few months ago, and couldn't post it until now:
It's been several months since I posted. I've been struggling a lot with my daughter, and most of the time I'm so exhausted that I go to bed right after she does.
I've recently had her start seeing a therapist, because things came to a head when she was suspended from Before & After School Care for two days, and school for one day. She threw a temper tantrum and ran away from her caregiver, and in a structured environment like her B & A SC, that is considered a security breach. Of course, leading up to the tantrum was my daughter's defiance in the face of authority, and general lack of concern for following the rules. She takes the attitude most of the time that something goes wrong that "it's not my fault." She definitely needs to learn personal responsibility and manage her angry feelings in a more constructive way. She can lose her temper and be raging in a stunningly short amount of time when something doesn't go her way.
All of this makes me feel like I've been run over by a truck. Her father had one particular flaw that I found myself unable to stand: He never, ever, said he was sorry. For anything, no matter what. I find that degree of self-absorption and arrogance just unbelievable. When this quality of his reared its ugly head, I found myself loathing him. To have my daughter reflecting anything similar is just awful.
Also, I'm discovering that no matter how hard I worked to keep from being negative about him in her presence, she has developed her own feelings toward him that are very strong and very angry. She recently told me that she hates him, and she had never said anything like that to me before. I was surprised, although I guess I was hoping that somehow she would be immune from the feelings of loss and betrayal because he's been so absent in her life. She was only a year old when we split, and I thought if she didn't remember living with him, that she would just adopt that as her "normal."
Instead, she has focused all of her frustration and pent-up anger at him, and as a consequence, when he phoned late on Thanksgiving and wanted to talk to her, and then didn't call or try to contact her over Christmas (but sent a present via Amazon), it tipped the balance of something.
It tipped something for me, too.
I stopped making excuses for him. That alone seems to have unleashed her rage.
I never wanted her to have to feel the full effect of his complete non-participation in her life. I realize I was dreaming. I have sooooooo much sadness and anger about this, I can't even express it. She deserves so much, and so much better that what she got. He's so disconnected. From her, from life, from reality in general. I'm furious with myself for making a baby with a man who is so incapable. I'm disappointed that I couldn't see how inadequate he was before I let it go as far as it did. I love my daughter so much, but I can't stand how tied to this jackoff we are, for the rest of eternity... he so doesn't deserve to be part of our lives.
3 years ago