What Sustains Us

"When the truth is found to be lies
And all the joy within you dies
Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love"

I've struggled for decades with trust issues.  Early loss and repeated trauma have left my psyche scarred in ways that will always be with me.  And yet I am one of the lucky ones, because I was seven before all hell broke loose, and something strong and good within me was able to survive deep inside. 

And in one of the universe's ironic twists of fate, in this one way being female worked to my advantage.  Unable to find someone that I could invest with all the love and goodness that still remained, I simply made one.

Okay, "simply" is clearly not the right word.  But that is exactly what I did.  Having a child saved my life in all the important ways. 

I don't have to wonder what my life would be like without her.  I wonder at the fact that she's here.  A little hand holding mine.   Someone who looks to me for comfort and reassurance, who depends on me to provide what she, what every child, has the right to take for granted.  Who can bask in my "I love you"s and offer her own with the clarity and sincerity of a child.  It's pretty awesome.

All the years of being strong and keeping it together now have a reason.  My dilligence and persistence finally make someone else's life easier.  We have a safe and comfortable home, a routine, and the lovely mundane pleasures like our Labrador sleeping at my feet. 

I've kept myself sane, but she soothes my soul.  She softens me.  She makes me lighter.  The effort to raise her has brought laughter and imagination and flexibility into my life in ways that constantly provoke me to think differently about what's important and how to creatively problem-solve. 

She's also helped me put aside a lot of the stupidity and heartlessness of other people.  I just don't have room in my life for holding onto the darkness for too long.  Because I love my daughter, I can eventually get to the place of detachment a lot faster.  I can see that it's not worth it to dwell on the wrongs, because I want our lives to be free.  Because I want to be a good example, I am a better person. 

I have confronted so many of my fears.  I've taken them out and turned them over in my hands.  I've looked at them with these new eyes and been able to see their flaws.  Some of them, being brought into the light, have withered like a plant that's no longer watered.  I found that, as a mother, I don't have any more time to put off the things that I needed to do, but that I dragged around for years.  Some people have marveled at how I turned my life around.  I marvel that something finally happened that beat back the pain and despair and unrelenting darkness.