Thursday, December 3, 2009

Ah ha moment while watching Arrested Development

When you’ve read this, you will be thinking to yourself, “why?” So, please understand that there were extenuating circumstances and let’s just leave it at that, for now. Okay?

I used to have in my mind Stephen Colbert or Rainn Wilson, or a mutant child of the two of them, but now I have had an epiphany and realize that it is Buster from Arrested Development. This is who my child’s father really is most like. When I heard the actress say the line “people find you odd and alienating,” it made me gasp in recognition. I studied the sweater over the button-down shirt. I looked at the dorky glasses, the high forhead, the receding hairline that makes the non-existent hairstyle look that much worse, and especially the awkward smile and speech patterns. And I knew. My daughter’s father is who they modeled Buster on. They must have followed him around the Cape for a while, studying how he likes to sit alone at a bar and drink PBR and pretend he’s slumming. While he watches boat racing on the TV. Because so many blue collar regular guys closely follow the America’s Cup.

Yes, my poor, poor child is the biological descendent of a person who took for granted his parent’s money and their provision of a good education, squandered it over five years and two schools, finally and barely getting his degree in History, only to spend the next sixteen years in a series of sporadic, menial, dead-end entry level jobs, moving across the country and back, living in crappy cheap apartments, making few friends and fewer impressions, but managing, through some ironic twist of fate, to stop off in Colorado long enough several years ago to impregnate me.

Whenever I consider how his family must feel about him, I think, sardonically, “They must be so proud.” He is now living with them, doing god knows what, and I can only be grateful for the 2023 miles that keep him from being more of a colossal pain in the ass to me than he already is. A master of nothing except being supremely passive aggressive, he recently told me he wants to – over the course of the next few years – acquire the “skills that I can support myself with.”

Did I mention that he’s almost forty?


Lately, his shenanigans have been getting me down. There is no personality disorder I find more tedious and aggravating to deal with than passive aggressiveness. It is no accident that my mother is a master of this game, as well. To have two of them in my life, simultaneously, both of whom have a stake in my daughter’s life… well, it’s no wonder I drink. Please be gentle with me. I know where I went wrong.


  1. Do you know how much I love you for watching AD? And how sorry I am that your ex is the spitting image of Buster?
    I mean, don't get me wrong- I love Buster...but does that make you Lucille II?
    ok ok ok- I've now officially added your ex to the list with mine, Samsmama, and Calico's. And that, my dear, is a list you do NOT want to be on :)
    xoxoxox- hang in there :)

  2. Well, could be worse. He could be like Gob!

    Oh, sweet MtnMama. I love you and I love the extenuating circumstances which lead you to make this post. I also love that your blog's raison d'etre is to pursue an examined life when you are one of the few people I know who truly sees things for what they are. You do examine life.

    So you let Buster impregnate you. That fact just makes me like you even more! You are kind and smart and funny. You "know where you went wrong." But in all honestly, I don't think you went wrong at all. You're living your life, you have a gorgeous daughter, you're independent. You're doing great, and I admire you in so many ways!

    And besides, all the Bluth boys are kinda cute... though you know Michael is all MINE. :)

  3. Back off Michael, Bev....just back off.
    You can have Oscar or Tobias, but Michael Bluth is mine- I claimed him a long time ago :)

  4. Holy shit! Are our sperm donors related? Mine took 7 years to get through college and there's no "MD" behind his name. All that education earned him a worthless degree in TV & Radio, which landed him a job making $6.50 an hour. I (idiotically) followed him to Florida where he scored a "killer job" manning a parts counter at a motorcyle dealership. Business was really booming the day the insurance rep came by for open enrollment. Cut to me, knocked up and uninsured. (Thanks, mom & dad for your $12,000 "wedding gift.") He once accused me of "living off of daddy". By the way, he lives WITH his dad in a house his mom & stepdad own. And did I mention he's almost 50? *sigh* And I also know where I went wrong. Live and learn, and love the souveniers we got out of the deal.

    P.S. I laughed REALLY hard at you mentioning the exact amount of miles between you and him. Priceless!

  5. Mary: I love AD! Why is it that great shows don’t find a wider audience? Is it because there aren’t enough smart people who can “get” them? I am grateful that I’m on the list that includes you, my friend, so that I can deal with the other shit. Someday you will email me and we can compare even better stories. Hint. Hint.
    Bev: It could be worse, but not by much. Trust me. But thanks; I love you too.
    Samsmama: It’s a freaky universe, isn’t it? Thank god the door prizes for our trips through hell were such fantastic ones. I know she’s worth it, but I have EARNED my wisdom, that’s for sure!

  6. Oh GOD , am laughing so much had to run to the bathroom before I could finish reading it ! Great blog !

  7. How did I miss so many posts?? For this I apologize, and apologize again for delighting in the pain you've endured to write such a perfect piece.

    As I make a mental note never to wear a sweater over a button-down shirt again. Even when I'm cold and there are wolves chasing me.