Midweek Update

This will be brief, because I haven’t caught up with myself yet, having started the new JOB on Monday. However, it is amazing the amount of time and energy I am made to spend finding a route into and out of my workplace. Commuting is something I’ve become far too familiar with, and I am happy to report that my current commute is half what my last one was.
Still, the most direct path to my new place of employment was derailed by an 18 month Transportation project that started mere weeks before I was hired. I think sometimes that the gods enjoy fucking with me. I am willing to play along to a certain extent, but yesterday I was caught in the worst traffic snarl and I committed the Faux Pas of Daycare – I was late picking up my child. Okay, I was only late by 3 minutes, but that was the WORST drive home, and for the last part of it I was a total wreck because I could see that I wasn’t going to make it. I have never been late before. Ever.
It turns out that it is critical NOT to leave the Tech Center at 5 o’clock. Something evil happens right at 5, and the collective consciousness goes into some kind of alternate universe. I made the crucial mistake of getting into the Wrong Lane, and this misstep resulted in a critical loss of 15-20 minutes.
I consulted with my new coworkers, because I am nothing if not a consulter and collaborator on Shared Wisdom, and it turns out that it is Common Knowledge that you do NOT take the route out that we take in. I was told about the much better alternative, and today I sailed into Daycare to pick up M at the correct time. Thank you, my new work friend!
Which brings me to the part where I relate how there are some very nice people at my new JOB, and some of them go walking at lunchtime (something I enjoy very much), and I was invited to go along! The Tech Center has Downtown beat on scenery, hands down. There are miles of marvelously wide sidewalks among lovely landscaped office buildings, just suited for walking or riding bikes. I am able to get out of the building and use my lunch time to get some fresh air and exercise, and that makes me happy.
There is a lot to absorb, a lot to adjust to, and I am behind on all my “stuff” here at home because any change, especially a big one like this, sends me into a bit of a flutter trying to get into a new routine. But I will. I am looking forward to settling in. Oh, and getting paid. That too.

A JOB ~ Just in the nick of time!

And this is my 100th post!  How appropriate that these milestones happened simultaneously.  I am so relieved, so pleased, and so grateful.  What a wild ride!

I start the beginning of May, as a BSA, which in this case means Business Systems Analyst.  It isn't far, the people seem nice, and the company is growing.  I'll be eligible for benefits right away, but won't get paid until the end of May.  I can live with that.  I'll even be making a little more than my last job, without the 2 1/2 hour commute each day!  So, a new adventure begins!

Wow.  I could not have made up a more stressful or dramatic scenario, but that's okay.  It worked out.  I get to stay where I am, renew my lease, and carry on.  It was so fun to tell M when I picked her up from school yesterday!  She did a big "Whoop!"  and gave me a hug and then did a little dance.  She said "now we're going to have MONEY!"  Well, yeah...

And this means that although the next 6 weeks will be tight, I won't have to break into my "non-liquid" reserves, which is a really good thing.  It means I will still have an emergency fund, which is so important, and I'll be able to build back up my savings.  My mind is already whirring ahead to plan my next goals.

I am almost breathless with relief.  It's going to be okay.  It really is.  I gambled big, but I didn't fail.  At the last second, the last dice rolled over.  Whew! 

It makes me feel really happy to see and hear the outpouring of support from my friends - near and far - who have been encouraging and kind this whole time.  What a difference it makes to know that another person is paying attention to the challenges and successes of your life!  It is the best thing we can do for each other:  be there.  It is so powerful and awesome, the gift of friendship.  I am riding on the swell of a wave, and it feels wonderful.

The Precipice

In a way, it is down to the wire.

On Thursday, I have to either renew my lease on this townhouse, or not. If not, I have no idea where I will live next.

After six months of determined job hunting, I am still unemployed. I have been on several interviews, but so far, nothing has resulted in a job offer. I have about 10 years of experience in my field, and significant job experience before that, and in a way, I am more employable now than I have ever been. But I am also 48 years old, and I have some cross-country moves on my resume and in my past that could seem troubling to a prospective employer. It is also, as we know, one of the worst economic climates in a long time.

I planned for a year of unemployment, but the lease requires 60 days notice of intent to leave, and so I am confronted with this now. I am not out of money yet, but soon I will have to break into money that is not “liquid,” and I had hoped to keep that in reserve and not have to use it for day-to-day expenses.

I have done two interviews with a company that is still interested in me, and I got a call from their HR guy this morning. He wanted me to know that they will be making their decision this week. This is one of the most promising jobs that has presented itself, and the timing is interesting.

I know that making this move without having secured a job first was beyond risky, and doing it with my daughter in tow is something that weighs heavily on my mind. It’s hard to describe the feeling, though, that I HAD to do this. When I look out across the foothills, I feel so strongly that this is where we are supposed to be, that this is right, and that I made the right move. We live in a sunny, safe, and peaceful place, my daughter goes to a good public school, and our lives are full of things that we didn’t have before. We ride bikes, she goes to swim lessons, she plays with her friends, and I have privacy and freedom and peace. We sleep at night. We have made friends. We feel like we belong here.

It is an odd mix of tranquility and terror. I have learned to put aside the things that I cannot change, and I have also learned to trust my instincts. But the facts are stark and I can read a spreadsheet and a financial forecast well enough; I know that this cannot go on indefinitely. Soon, I will be confronted with the question “What next?”

I really don’t have an answer to that yet. It is hard to contemplate packing up and moving again, let alone all the other logistical questions. I had so hoped it wouldn’t come to this.

But right now I am in limbo, and I don’t do limbo very well. I am a “get to work” kind of girl; I see what needs to be done and I do it. Hanging In the balance of uncertainty is draining and depressing. At regular intervals, I think of something that I want to do or know needs to be done and I have to weigh whether it is prudent to spend the money or undertake that effort now, or put it off to some “other” time. It suspends plans, it makes it hard to make choices, and it puts everything in question.

My daughter told me a few days ago “I love you, Mom. You’re my home.” And I felt like that is the only thing I need to hang onto. I’ve made all the decisions of the past seven years based on what was best for us, and I will keep doing that. We aren’t following the crowd, we don’t conform to a demographic, and we are certainly not fashionable. We aren’t living like the “experts” tell us we should be, but we are living. We will get by.

Patterns

Our brains have a certain affinity for patterns; some more than others. My brain really likes symmetry and right angles, balance, and proportion. Unfortunately, somehow that led to a tolerance for behaviors that were unacceptable, only because they fit a pattern. I have suffered for that adaptability to pattern.

In my still-new kitchen, I keep reaching for a drawer that isn’t there – I am so conditioned to expect the silverware drawer to be opposite the wall that my brain just goes there. For almost twenty years, the drawers were in the same place, and now – after four years of not cooking and not spending much time in a kitchen at all – I keep turning around and reaching for something that only exists in memory. It is kind of frustrating. Because these simple daily tasks are done in such an automatic way; we don’t really think about making coffee or needing a spoon, and so it isn’t thought out – it just fires on its own. And I’m misfiring all over the place.

I’ve been looking for a job. That challenges the patterns all over again. What led me to this job or that in the past? Didn’t it have a lot to do with what was going on in the world or the community at the time? I remember job hunting before and after 9/11. The “Tech Bubble” had just burst, and then the business community was in the midst of such turmoil. I took a job that represented a 50% pay cut, but was relieved to get it. Now, I am trying to explain that “career decision” in interviews. I am used to being put to use where ever and how ever I am needed. I see what needs to be done and I do it. I am great in an emergency – I have a guaranteed seat in a lifeboat. I kick into high gear and I get a job done. I have fabulous first aid skills and I don’t cry or freak out until it is all over.

It is only after the smoke has cleared that I can begin to consider whether this was a situation that I wanted to be in. I have been on this planet almost a half century and I find that I have spent an inordinate amount of that time cleaning up after other people’s messes. I have a pattern of coming on to a new job while they are in the throws of some major upheaval, or takeover, or crisis. They need someone who can think on their feet, be “self motivated”, and endure trial by fire.

I don’t think I ever signed up to be that girl. It just happened. And frankly, I’m getting quite tired of it. It means that I never get any mentoring or training. I don’t get to contemplate my direction. I haven’t had the luxury of finding where my true aptitude lies. Other than triage.

I am feeling like I want to stop being so malleable and maybe be more open to what suits me instead of what I can do for them. Because I know first hand that a lot of people really like being taken care of. And it is high time I knew what that felt like, too.

My Going Away Lunch

My last day at work is Friday, and today a bunch of us were going to go to one of the great restaurants near work for one last lunch. 3 of the 7 people invited ended up not coming, so I was a little bummed, but it was still a nice lunch.

I am the one in the pink. After lunch my boss (one of the people that couldn’t make it) and Beckey (the gal to my right) had a “turnover” meeting to discuss my projects’ status and go over any problems they should know about. Those two have been so great to work with that I will really miss them. Not the work, so much, but the dynamic of our personalities. The way we hash out problems and have similar energy levels and a way of meeting of the minds that is very productive. I haven’t always been so fortunate at jobs to have a boss that gets me and trusts me, and I haven’t always had someone as generous with her time and appreciative of my contribution as Beckey. *sigh* I believe they are truly sad to see me go (not always the case!).

I took pictures of my cubicle, too. It’s a little neater than usual, because I’ve wrapped up my projects and taken some stuff home, but it is generally pretty neat. My wall of pictures of my daughter is something I look at when I need to cheer myself up, or remind myself of what really matters.


I have a lot of work left for my class that will be over on Saturday. This class has been so tedious and boring that it’s been hard to concentrate on getting the work done. I’m sooooo looking forward to being finished!
In three more days it is time for vacation and FUN! Yay!

Fuck ‘em; I don’t care anymore

First of all, this is me and my sweet baby, last year, at the beach. I am not a hideous troll and I am tired of hiding out. Someone wants to bring me a grievance, well, let’s have it.



Next: Fuckity Fuck Fuck!
The wholesale slaughter that is going on in the state of California isn’t bad enough – now it has come to perch in my cubicle and throw things at me while I work.

I was told that I would need to “train” two of my coworkers on the system we work with and how to do my job. (yes, they know I am gone at the end of the month)

It took quite a while for me to learn this system AND
☺ I had previous experience and training in this field
☺ I had voluntarily agreed to learn this work
☺ There was no “date specific” drop-dead assessment attached to my learning what I needed to know

I have been told that I will have to let “them” know whether or not these people are going to be viable candidates for this position or not. All in the interest of “saving jobs”... yeah, whatever. We’ve been carrying so much deadwood for so long and now it has come down to this. I have a special place on my ass picked out just for them that they can kiss.

One of the two is one of my best friends. Let’s see... what matters more to me? A job that I have already voluntarily given up? Or a dear friend that I’ve known for four years and hope to know for the rest of my life?

Hmmm.... yep, that’s a hard one, I tell ya!

A snapshot of my Glamorous Life

The purpose of this blog was to document my adventurous move from the “rugged hills” of Northern California’s Sacramento area, back to the suburbs of Colorado’s Denver Metro Area. (Sometimes a reality check is a good thing) You know, because it all looks so different in retrospect...


Today is one of those days that I’m SURE will be funnier LATER.

M was hard to wake up this morning (as usual) but then was lethargic and “cold” and kind of whiny, and she usually isn’t like that. Still, I offered 3 times to let her stay home with Grandma and she declined. (yeah, kid; it doesn’t sound good to me, either!) So, off we go down the hill, and in the rearview mirror she looks bad. To cheer her up a little bit, hoping she’s just tired, I get her a Kid’s Hot Chocolate from Starbucks, but she doesn’t drink it. UH OH! A few blocks later, she says “I feel pukey” and I pulled over just in time to watch her barf all over herself. The orange color was a little strange... hmmm, what did she eat last night?

I cleaned her up as well as I could with baby wipes and turned the car around. Left a message with my boss’s voicemail that I wouldn’t be in, and drove all the way back. My boss is pretty cool, but our “HR” bitch is a venomous cobra who makes our lives miserable, and I can just imagine her reaction and the grief she’s given my boss. I was out two days last week for my OWN illness (which I am just barely getting over) and this will likely send her over the edge.

But I’m out of there in 6 1/2 weeks! And they know it. My boss says she’s been repeatedly pestered about “when is she going to turn in her notice?!” Um, when I have to. In 4 1/2 weeks. The only reasons I let people know that I was leaving already is that they have been making “workforce reductions” and I don’t want someone else to get fired (as I am pretty senior in my assignment) who doesn’t need to be. Plus I really like my boss and I’ve told her from day one that I was going to graduate and then split. I try to be honest and fair with people whenever I can, as long as they aren’t going to use the information to fuck me over. I can’t WAIT to kiss that place goodbye.

M is back in bed, napping now. She’ll wake up all chipper, no doubt, while I am dragging my ass and still need to run a load of laundry of her barfed-in clothes. I got a chance to catch up on my browsing of the Internets, though. That was nice.

yes, the Simpsons are inspirational, why do you ask?

I have a feeling, judging by how things have been going at work for the past couple days, that pretty soon I will be standing at the proverbial chalkboard, writing 50 times:

I will not instigate revolution
or
I will not get very far with this attitude
or
I will not dance on anyone's grave
or
This school does not need a "regime change" (substitute institution of your choice)

Thanks, Cary, for running this again. I needed it today in a baaaaaad way.

It is common wisdom that stressful times bring out the worst in the weakest people, so I am not surprised that this place resembles an old mining area after a good rain; full of sink holes.

Still. I find it ironic that my last few months here are turning out to be such a turbulent time for this department. Some of the manifestations are pretty funny; you just have to wonder what they were thinking. Of course, the current management is struggling to deal with the radioactive fallout, not giving anyone a very secure feeling.

I am spending far too much time surfing the interwebs, but it helps me to find funny things to keep my perspective. I do, after all, only have (excluding some scheduled days off) 48 days left here.

Yes, I counted.

Corporate Life in this Recession

I wonder what it is like in other companies right now. This one is so skewed by factors such as:
☺ The business requirements are subject to State legislation, not commercial profit and loss models.
☺ After being a department with an organization since its inception, we are now subcontractors to the organization – they are now our “customer.”
☺ Our previous Director was completely consumed with winning the bid to put in a new, modern system to replace the old mainframe system we have. Once it became clear that the system replacement wasn’t going to happen, she left. Everything that a Director should have been paying attention to during her tenure – the business, the employees, management – was neglected and left to staff without qualifications and with their own agenda
☺ We now have a stable of old, tired workhorses that don’t have a lot left in them, several burnt-out overachievers that should have moved on a few years ago and are now suffering, and many good employees who have been trying to just do their jobs and are getting swept down the drain with the rest.

The organization just announced they are planning on laying off 102 more employees starting July 1st. As if things weren’t dismal already!

The next three months are my last here, and look like they are going to be some of the worst. I am seriously looking forward to not having a job, simply because this one is so laden with tension, acrimony, uncertainty, and the left-overs of mismanagement that it is painful. The mistakes made in the last several years have come back to roost.

Is it like that everywhere right now?

Pay Cut

The company I work for just announced a 5% pay cut. I am not pleased, of course, but I’m not surprised. This is a big company and we were just bought by an even bigger one, and there would have been changes even without the sucky economy. I had hoped to keep what I had intact until I’m ready to leave. Realistically, though, it means a loss of less than $1000 to my bottom line, since I plan to quit at the end of June.

This isn’t where I want to work. I’ve known that. I hope I will be able to find something that works out when I move, but I don’t want to be desperate. I want to be able to get M settled and have a sense of home and get used to Colorado again and establish a routine and make friends. We’ve been “enduring” for so long, and that’s no way to be happy and thrive.

I’ve been so fortunate that I’ve made friends here, at work, M’s daycare, and out and about, that have really saved my sanity. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without them. I wish I could take them with me.

I am so glad it is almost over, though. Especially this winter, what with the dismal weather, Mom getting sick, and the tough school work and stressful work situation, I am exhausted. I don’t think I could have gone on much longer.

The move intimidates me because I’ll have M with me and this time I’ll be without another adult. But we’ll figure it out.

The fog is back

The fog came back this week. Rain and fog all day and night, making the drive to and from work more stressful and unpleasant and making me that much more anxious to leave. The damp gets into my very bones. The noise of the wipers and the hiss and splatter of water on the highway grinds on my nerves.

When I lived in Colorado I used to hear people talking about the dry air and how they worried it would age their skin, but I found the dry to be great for my skin – it finally cleared up – and the blue sky and sunshine was such a great contrast to the dreary grey of the Bay Area that I’d left behind. Northern California has lots of areas that are dismal to someone who is sensitive to the weather. I lived in the Silicon Valley until I was 23, and smog and haze was the norm. Now I’m living and commuting along I-80 and the sky is rarely blue. It is so depressing to not see the sun for weeks. Even clear days the air pollution is ever present. Today we are completely socked in – we can barely see across the street.

Such a week at work. The projects I’m working on are a mess, and the emails have been flying back and forth. We’ve had several meetings and changes of direction. The budget problems are making everyone crazy. One of the senior project managers told me yesterday that she’s looking for another job; she can’t take it any more. I’m worried about what the job market will be like in Denver when I get back, but I really hope I never have to work in an environment like this one again. Not one person I work with is happy, and these are the good, talented, dedicated people. The stress level is just exhausting. It makes people act stupidly and make bad decisions, and doesn’t foster creative thinking AT ALL.

I’ve got school to pay for and M’s daycare, so I am that much more grateful for the paycheck, but once I’ve graduated and she’s older, I won’t have those expenses anymore and that is something I’m really looking forward to. Those two take up almost 30% of my gross income.