And what a week it was...!

Wow; what a week! M had such a good time, and I really enjoyed watching her have so much fun. I’m a little worn out, though. My capacity for crowds and strangers was kind of stretched.
Wednesday we woke up to a major snowstorm, and the early school cancelation call (at 5:30 am) made me so tired for the rest of that day. I realize they need to get the word out, but that early? Really? But that meant I didn’t have to peel the mattress off of M’s back that morning, even if going back to sleep myself didn’t happen. Instead, once she woke up and digested the news that she was staying home, she was eager to do her best imitation of an REI or LLBean product tester! We got her kitted out in her snow pants, new boots, turtleneck, fleece, and mittens, and then she was outside merrily playing in the falling snow. The snow continued into Thursday, and so M got 2 snow days. She was out playing in it as much as she could, despite the temps in the 20s.

Colorado means the weather can – and does – change dramatically and without warning, and by Friday the sun was back out and the snow began to melt from the roads and sidewalks. She had a party at school, which I got to attend, and it began with the kids having a parade through the school to show off their costumes, followed by a party in their classroom. A lot of effort went into it, and it was nice to see.

That evening we went to a party at my friend A’s house, and had a good time. Although their daughter was not there, another little girl showed up, and so I got to stay longer than I had thought. That was fun – I enjoyed talking to the smart, funny women that tend to collect at A’s home. I wish I still lived close by, but am glad I’m still on their invitation list.

Saturday was Halloween, so we answered the door to some trick or treaters before going out ourselves. This is one of those “sucks to be a single parent” moments – trying to be supremely organized so that we were both in our costumes and ready by sunset, answer the door and participate in the neighborhood fun, and still be able to go out trick or treating.

Oh, and then drive over to K’s house so that we could then drive to another party, where M and her son got to go out and trick or treat some more. M was in heaven. I was in someone’s home faced with a roomful of people I don’t know – not my favorite thing. But they were nice, the food was great, and at last it was time to go. Except that now K needed a ride downtown as someone else cancelled on her, so we agreed that I’d drop her and take both kidlets back to my place for a sleepover. By the time we ended back at Casa Mountain, both kids were asleep in the car and could barely climb the stairs to M’s room. It took about 4 seconds to get them into bed.

Sunday morning was nice; I was up before the kids, made some coffee and had a quiet moment before they woke up, and then they cooperatively chose a movie to watch while I made breakfast and baked a coffee cake for the Bronco party. I was so pleased that they were being so good and getting along! By the time we showed up at Bronco Central, I was already “done,” but hung out mainlining coffee until the end of the game (which ended badly, btw). M was mad at me that we left before she was ready to go, but the Bronco party was more heavily attended than usual, it was hot and I was wearing a sweater (it was sunny and warm outside) and I was exhausted. When I saw that one of the little boys had tracked in dog shit, I’d reached my limit and knew it was time to go.

I still need to take down some decorations, but the time change always kicks my butt a little bit. That outdated ritual – which I think it’s high time we abandoned – seems to signal the beginning of the Holiday Season. Already there are Christmas ads beginning to appear. Good grief! One holiday at a time, people! I have to get through Thanksgiving first.

Dinner Downtown

Last night, M and I had the pleasure of meeting and having dinner with Frank! He brought his friend Brian, who was also a good sport. It was fun to meet and talk to Frank, and I enjoyed our dinner.

My little angel was seriously sleep deprived and antsy during the entire evening. When we had (another) thunderstorm with hail yesterday afternoon, which prevented her from napping, I was concerned about how she would deal with a new place, strangers, and being up late... but I didn’t want to cancel on Frank, and I was really looking forward to an adult dinner with other adults. (Thank you, Frank, for being so gracious and nice)

It made me acutely aware, however, of how intense the past few weeks have been with M and me. For most of the time we’ve been here, we’ve been spending all of our time in each other’s (and ONLY each other’s) company. And under rather strenuous circumstances, too: no real bed, no furniture, new place, no routine, lots of chaos, etc.) She’s been really pretty good about the whole thing, but I have not done as well.

Last night, I was a little embarrassed at myself for being so bad at multi-tasking. I really usually pay better attention to my child, and yet I was so hungry to talk to another grownup and do something like I used to do before the nightmare of the last four years happened, that I know I was essentially ignoring her. And I felt bad about that. She was behaving like a typical five year old, tapping, talking nonstop, whining, etc., which is funny, because she is normally doesn’t do that, and I wasn’t missing the irony.
After the dinner, she and I walked along the 16th Street Mall for a little while, and she was delighted with the sights and sounds. We rode the shuttle for a few blocks because she really wanted to, and she talked to the weird guy on the shuttle without hesitation, which made him smile, and she tipped her head back and stared up at the tall buildings and declared that they were “a hundred miles up.” On the way home in the car, she looked out at all the twinkly lights and sighed and said “just like Paris!” (which I believe is her highest compliment, notwithstanding neither of us has ever been)
I really love my kid, and sometimes I feel a little sorry for her that I’m her mom and she’s stuck with me. But school will start in a few more weeks and then she’ll get to be around kids again and things will be better. For both of us.

Feeling separated

I really hate feeling separated from something that I chose to be a part of. This is one of my issues, I guess, from being a kid growing up in a crazy dysfunctional home, and never feeling like I belonged to anything that was positive. What kind of blows me away is that it never really leaves. There is always this little kid inside me, kind of standing to one side, observing everything that happens, and feeling bad about the stuff we can’t have.

The email announcing Fall registration for my kid’s daycare. We won’t be registering this year, because we won’t be here come Fall. Even though it is a move that I want, I hate leaving this group of women and children that we’ve been with and have been such an important part of M’s development. They’ve been supportive and kind and good to M and to me. They listen to my rantings and my stories and even though they probably think I’m a little nuts, they don’t say so. We know everyone and they know us.

I haven’t had that a lot in my life, and I don’t take it for granted. I want my daughter to feel accepted and part of the communities that she lives in. I hope I will be able to establish us in something similar when we move. It isn’t always easy for single moms or single women, for that matter. Some people view you as a threat (As if you are there to steal their men!) when all you really want is to have them know your name and be nice to you.

I’ve been told that I come off as very confident, but I am still just a girl, hoping that the other kids won’t hurt me, wanting to get through the day.

The Goodbyes have begun

Maybe it’s because I’ve had to construct my emotional family out of friends. Maybe it’s because I have experienced so many deaths, changes, moves, and loss. Maybe it’s because I am kind of difficult to love and so the people who do love me and even just the ones who are genuinely nice to me and thoughtful are particularly precious.
Whatever the cause, I wasn’t prepared for today. The Goodbyes have begun.

I had my teeth cleaned and checked this morning with my dentist whom I coincidently have known for almost thirty years. We first met when I was interning as a dental assistant in school. She was a vibrant, outgoing, and pretty young dentist with her own practice. She treated her staff well and it was a fun place to work. They were nice to me during my internship and she was a good reference for years. I ended up leaving the Bay Area in 1985, but my parents still knew her and I would hear things from time to time.

When I moved here, and got this job, I found out that not only was she now in this area (quite a distance from where we’d started) but that she was also working part time at the same place I was! (In a different department and employed by a different group)
That was so fun – to catch up and see each other in the lobby and have lunch once in a while. She’s a single parent these days and her son is about to go to Sac State, so she listened with compassion to my stories of M and always has good advice. Having her be here after so many years was such a nice little gift. One of the things that has made being here easier, and the sense of continuity was comforting.

I realized this morning that I won’t be going to her office again. And since she was caught in the massive layoffs that her department just had, I won’t see her here anymore either. We talked about that today and I’m sure that we’ll stay in touch, but it was sad.

There are several people here who have reached out and been wonderful friends to me. These past years, I’ve been so busy and live so far away from work and daycare that it has been a struggle to connect with anything or any one. Yet, there have been those who have been warm beacons of light in my foggy world. I know that they have made a huge difference in what has otherwise been so difficult. It is really hard to say goodbye.

As eager and impatient as I am to flee this place, I will miss my friends.